Angels & Demons - Dan Brown is back!

Not content with confounding, confusing and majorly pissing off Christians and Catholics alike, to the extent that many saw the DaVinci Code as an insult to and an attack on their faith, particularly since those in the secular world saw it as the truth, Dan Brown is back again with Angels and Demons.

It's the sequel to The Da Vinci Code film, though it's really a prequel. And if that doesn't put your brain in a spin, don't worry, there's plenty more where that came from. No surprises then that the Vatican is against the film:

"Vatican Bans Dan Brown Film Angels & Demons From Rome Churches"

"The Vatican has banned the makers of Angels & Demons, the latest Dan Brown thriller to be filmed, from shooting scenes not only in the Vatican but in any church in Rome on the ground that it is "an offence against God" and "wounds common religious feelings".

“Archbishop Velasio De Paolis, head of the Vatican's Prefecture for Economic Affairs, said that the author had "turned the Gospels upside down to poison the faith. It would be unacceptable to transform churches into film sets so that his blasphemous novels can be made into mendacious films in the name of business."

You can read the full article at:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/europe/article4147839.ece

The teaser trailer initially featured a camera panning over the Vatican and hovering over St Peter's Square, focusing on a statue of an angel. Suddenly the angel turns its big stone head and TA-DAH! – it's actually a demon.

But someone, somewhere, must have thought that first trailer far too clearcut. So now there's a much, much more complicated two-and-a-half-minute, dialogue-packed extravaganza that says so much and yet does little more than prompt a trailer addict's impassioned response of: "Sorry, what?"

In this trailer there is a subliminal message at the part where the letters “Illuminati” spin. You can see "altarsofscience" written in it.

If you go to the web site www.altarsofscience.com you can see the Antimatter canister ticking. The time on the right side is perhaps the time until movie hits the big screen in May 2009.

Angels and Demons is, of course, a book in the same series as The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown. Although it's actually a prequel to the Da Vinci book, it's presented here as a sequel – which is only fair since eleventy-billion people read it after enjoying the other one. And yes, found it to be not quite as catchy or readable, but that's not the point here.

The problem with the Da Vinci film, director Ron Howard has said, was that they tried to stick too closely to a familiar and extremely popular book, and it ended up being too wordy and staged. So this time, we can assume, they're doing a loose adaptation of a less familiar and less popular work instead. So that should work out brilliantly.

"Thousands are gathered in St Peter's Square. The new Pope is yet to be selected," says a news presenter-style voiceover. A girl screams. And then there's a dead body: a dead priest, no less.

Voices are heard, under random images.

"We are under attack from an old enemy."

"Find Professor Langdon!"

Excellent. That should tell you that it's related to The Da Vinci Code, if you didn't know already. If only the name was more recognizable and rolled off the tongue more easily, though. Like Indiana Jones – now there's a recognizable name. Professor Langdon? Not so much.

"He exposed one of the greatest cover-ups in human history, " [footage from The Da Vinci Code here, in case you haven't got the idea yet, like duh!], "but what terrifying discovery could make the Vatican turn to him?"

Gosh, I don't know. Perhaps they need help with a sodoku clue?

"It's Illuminati!"

Yes, that'll be it. Which is weird, because it's one of the easiest words to guess at in a sodoku. Too many i’s.

"The Illuminati are a secret society dedicated to scientific truth. The Catholic church ordered a brutal massacre to silence them forever. They've come for their revenge."

Ah right. So not only is Professor Langdon providing them with the solution, he's also patronizing them by poking holes in Catholicism. Excellent.

Yet, in the context of the trailer, all of that makes sense. And that's marvelous. But then it goes a little non-linear.

"There's a hidden trail through Rome itself. I need access to the Vatican archives!"

"Access to the archives is only by written decree by the holy father!"

"Fellas, you called me!" says Langdon with a wry smile.

A hidden trail, you say? Just like The Da Vinci Code! And then there's Tom Hanks, just like in The Da Vinci Code! What a coincidence!

"This is the first sign" says Hanks, referring to nothing anyone can identify. A statue, basically. What it's the first sign of, or why, anyone who hasn't read the book hasn't a chance of knowing.

"What koind of soign?" says Ewan McGregor (who clearly hasn't managed to get past the first three pages of the Angels and Demons script, like so many others). Best thing though, is that he says it in his very best "let's get on with this and hand over the cheque so I can finance my next world trip please" cool Irish. Bless you McGregor, you're getting to be so predictable.

"Earth, Air, Fire, Water," says the voice of Hanks over each usefully illustrated sign, "and the fifth sign," which is just unbearably vague.

The fifth sign. You know, that one we're not allowed to know about yet.

Perhaps it's just something unmentionable in the context of a general-rated trailer. Earth, Air, Fire, Water and … Hair gel! No? Swamp-gas? Wait, it's eggnog! I don't know!

"May God forgive you for what you've done."

"Father, if God has issues, they won't be with what we've done. They'll be with what we're about to do."

What? This comes out of nowhere, and is meaningless except for the suggestion that at some point, someone in the movie is going to do or plan to do something that might not be very nice.

"Our church is at war."

With all laws of sense, apparently.

"This is the first marker! The path is alive!"

This is the first mention I've heard of markers. Or paths. Because I've never managed to read the entirety of this book. And isn't that the point? Because increasingly, this trailer might as well scrub all hope of a plot accessible to a non-Brownophile and just print the words "If you liked Angels and Demons as well as The Da Vinci Code, why not watch this on a plane sometime because you'll probably be able to follow it. And look! It has Tom Hanks in it and everyone loves Tom Hanks, right?" in big white letters on the screen.

"You're talking about THE moment of creation!"

Are you? Who is? What? When? That comes from nowhere. Seriously, I wouldn't have transcribed every line from the trailer if they'd made cohesive sense when put together. By now, they're just chucking in buzzwords.

"Open the doors and tell the world the truth."

Truth!

"It has to be here!"

"This is it. This is the truth!"

To which we can only possibly rise up and say: "It's what? Where? What? Does it? Arrgghhh!!

My verdict? Watch it for the entertainment value. It’s a far better picture than The Da Vinci Code in terms of being action packed.

I’m off to listen to some Earth Wind & Fire. The 80’s band, dude. Now that’s awesome.