Get excited, boys - it's Valentine's Day, the most romantic day of the year. At least, that's what Hallmark and other Malaysian retailers have been trying to tell you. With February 14th fast approaching, you better have something good planned for you and your baby. The Spanker turns Cupid Blogger to bring you the following tips:
By "something good", I'm not referring to that time you guys decided to get 50 hot chicken wings, a case of beer, and watched the entire Indiana Jones franchise from start to finish (note: if you actually did do this, you are officially dating the greatest girlfriend that ever lived).
I'm talking about planning the most romantic night in your relationship... by what SHE would deem romantic. That's right, dude: it's all about her on this one. In case you're wondering about your due, you'll always have your birthday.
Rule #1: It's All About Her
Modern women don’t have high expectations of men these days. Thanks to the downfall of modern society, as long as we can talk, eat, and occasionally shower, there’s very little we have to live up to. Of course, when we do go above and beyond, that usually catches their attention.
So, here’s the deal: women only ask two days of us to make them feel amazing – Valentine’s Day and your anniversary. Valentine’s Day is one of the only days that your girlfriend will ask you to be Prince Charming (whatever that is to her) and you owe it to her.
Because, y’know, it only happens once a year. I’m not saying splurge, I’m not saying be obvious; I’m saying: “Make. It. Count.” A Valentine’s Day to be remembered is possibly the greatest leverage in any relationship, especially considering that she chooses to ignore your mammoth porn DVD collection.
* Taking her out to dinner to your usual spots. You never hear any great Valentine’s story start with “First, he picked up the phone and ordered KFC Chicken…”
* Being secretive about anything. Imagine you get a phone call from the hottest girl you ever knew in high school; she’s in town and wants to see you. You go out for drinks, flirt heavily, and just when it looks like this will be the greatest night of your life – she tells you “I can’t wait for you to meet my husband!” That’s what a secret on Valentine’s Day can be like for your girlfriend: high expectations, big letdown.
* Group Activities. Yoga, working out or cooking classes can be a great present… on February 15th. Today is all about her and you.
Why Valentine's Day Matters To Her
It’s not the Hallmark aspect of the holiday, it’s the fact that – for some ridiculous reason – our culture decided that everybody needs to get romantic. Women like romance, some way more than others. It’s not that she wants to be smothered; she just wants to know that she matters to you. You don’t need to go overboard, but you should make an effort that is personalized and says something special.
That’s why I advocate staying away from your stereotypical gestures. Think of it this way: if she had one day to fulfill your basic ideal of a girlfriend, wouldn’t you hope that’d include her dressing up like the Umbrella Girl in the F1 series? Same idea.
The Argument Against Buying Underwear
Here’s the one thing about buying your girlfriend lingerie for Valentine’s Day: you may be a complete idiot. I mean, do you know what she likes? Granted, that may sound counterintuitive to the point of seeing the woman you love in skimpy underwear, but follow me on this one.
Everybody’s got body issues. On top of that, I’m sure she may not appreciate you saying something like “I saw Amber Chia wearing it last week in Spanking DA Monkey” Game point? “Aw c’mon, I think it’s sexy.” Here’s what you do: leave the sexy underwear to a couple’s trip to Victoria Secret… or just let it be a surprise everytime.
In order for your girl to feel sexy, she’s going to need to feel confident and that will most likely happen if she’s comfortable with what she’s wearing. When it comes to getting you excited, she wants a vote of confidence, not to be introduced to your porn-induced fantasies (that’s for the anniversary).
The Argument To Get Freaky
Just as Valentine’s Day should be about your girl, so should Valentine’s Night. This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t get your just due in the bedroom, but… well, did you mess up today? Then in that case, I can understand her icy defensive blitz. Anyway, you want to cap Valentine’s Day with some of the best sex you two have ever had. Have fun, but switch it up with something new.
Nothing from out-of-nowhere. If you two always half-joke about the kinkier side of life, don’t think she wants you to buy a harness and the hardest riding crop you can find. Instead focus on your technique: tonguing moves, increasing your endurance, a position that puts her on the absolute receiving end. If you can pull this off, you will have successfully given your girlfriend a great Valentine’s Day to remember. And she will be looking to repay the favor in the near future. Hi, St. Patrick’s Day…
What Women Don’t Want For Valentine's Day.
Don't get me wrong guys, I love this hallmark day. There is nothing better than a day dedicated to the love between two people. Yet, why is it that this love day only happens once a year? Can't we be in love all the time?
Women don't always want your "gifts" ya know. Especially your last minute gifts. Check the following out and see what women don’t want.
Last Minute Gifts
Just forget it if it’s a last minute gift. I mean, what’s the point? It obviously wasn’t thought out; it’s just going to be some flowers and some booze anyway. That last minute crap’s gotta go dude!
Puhleese! Enough is enough! Don’t you understand that they are adults?! They don’t want stuffed animals anymore! STOP IT! JUST STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!
Chalky Candy Hearts
Who said these were good anyway? I mean you could probably write on the sidewalk with these. Instead, spill your love to her there on the sidewalk, instead of making her ingest those chemicals.
What makes you think she would care to eat the word “By” anyway?
Aside from the chocolates with nuts and caramel inside, they do not want chocolate with pink crap. What is that pink crap inside those chocolate hearts? Worse, sometimes its red gooey crap!
Yes, they love chocolate; In fact, they could even sleep with chocolate. But only if it has nuts and caramel inside. Sheesh!
15 Ways to Ruin Valentine's Day
Ok, so most likely you want to have a good time with your special someone on Valentine's Day (unless you're a total jerk and you're planning on breaking up with your GF on V-day, which in that case you might want to continue reading anyway). So, here are few things not to do on Valentine's Day, unless you'd rather be making elaborate pancake breakfasts for yourself in the not-so-distant future.
Fail To Write A Good Card
In certain cases a touching card just might be enough for your Valentine. More often that not however a card is not enough, so you better have a back-up plan - i.e. a new iPod Nano in your pocket - just in case. But if you do go the “just the card” route, make sure it’s good one - if you’re planning on penning a few dirty limericks and calling it a day, you might want to set up a Match.com account right about now. And no, text messages don’t count.
Say Your Ex's Name
...in bed. And I guarantee that soon your bed will look like the one above.
Forget to Make a Dinner Reservation
Unless you’re cooking dinner for your sweetie at home (we’ll get to that in a minute), then you’re probably planning on going out for dinner. But let’s not forget that ten million other people probably have the same idea as you do, so you might want to make reservation ahead of time. Nothing says angry like having to wait two hours for dinner or even worse, ending up at the local McDonalds.
Say "I Love You" Via Sugar
Remember that episode of “Sex and the City” where Miranda’s BF says “I Love You” for the first time on a cookie? Well, don’t do that. If you’re going to buck up and finally say it, don’t say it with confectionery. Be a man.
Forget to Buy a Present
Since money is tight nowadays, I definitely don’t advocate buying your honey that HD TV she’s been eyeing. However, you should get her a little something (preferably something that won’t wilt or melt.)
Show Up Late
Let’s say due to special circumstances (i.e. your day job), you have to meet your Valentine at the restaurant (or wherever else you happen to be celebrating). Try, try, try not to be late—nothing says scorn like someone who’s gorged themselves on Merlot and bar snacks while waiting for the likes of you.
Making dinner for your lover can be a very sweet gesture, but all the sweetness turns to bitterness if you burn dinner. So for heaven’s sake keep an eye on the oven, unless your GF happens to find Old Town Kopitiam romantic.
Call/Email/Text During the Evening
Nothing says I’m a bastard like Blackberrying during dinner or even worse -checking your messages while you’re getting it on. So resist the urge, or better yet turn the stupid thing off - unless you want to wake up alone on February 15.
Forget To Bring Flowers
This one is probably more for the guys than the gals (though I’m sure some guys out there might like to receive a bunch of flowers): It’s usually customary to give flowers on V-Day. So if you know what kind of flowers your honey digs, then that makes the task pretty easy. Otherwise, it’s a little more complicated. You’re usually safe with roses, and you might want to avoid carnations or chrythemums—unless you want her to feel like your mother, or that she's at a funeral.
Eat a Few Cloves of Garlic
If you and your special friend both decide to spring for the garlic chicken at dinner, then great, neither of you will realize how much the other one reeks. However, if garlic consumption for the evening is one-sided, then don’t be surprised if you miss out on a goodnight kiss and subsequently a goodnight bonk.
Talk About Valentine's Days Past
So if this your first V-day with your new sweetheart, then it’s probably best not to mention past Valentine’s with ex-lovers. No one wants to hear about how your ex surprised you with a romantic trip to
Fail to Clean Up
Ok, this applies to pretty much everyone out there (single and not), so listen up. If you’re planning on bringing someone home to your place on February 14 (whether it’s your honey of six years or the waitress you met at 10:30pm) you better make sure it’s clean. Nothing turns someone off like squalor. Come to think of it, wasn’t there an episode of “Friends” about that?
Eat Too Much For Dinner
Nothing’s less sexy than overeating and (a) having a bloated stomach and (b) having indigestion and/or gas and then (c) falling into a food coma. Ergo, you might want to avoid anything having to do with buffets.
Forget to Give Compliments
When you see your love on Valentine’s Day, ignore the fact that she has bags under her eyes or that her nose is running from the cold air, and tell her that she looks great. Because if you don’t there will probably be hell to pay later.
Fall Asleep Early
Even if you work hard for the money, try not to konk out at 9:25pm on Valentine’s Day. Chances are your GF has something planned after dinner (and I’m not talking about dessert), and you don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth, right? Somehow that seems like the wrong kind of analogy to use here… but anyway, just drink a freaking cup of coffee.
Happy Valentine’s Day, and happy bonking.