GOD ANNOUNCES SHOCK RETIREMENT

As an Editor, I’m used to receiving unusual and gimmicky press releases as PR agencies try to be creative and original in attracting our attention. Therefore when an email popped into my inbox purportedly from “www.god.com” I didn’t bat an eye.

It said to gather at the Lake Gardens Gazebo at 9:00am on Sunday and we would be beamed up to Heaven for a very important announcement. It also said cameras and recording equipment were not allowed. Curiosity got the better of me and I decided to attend, even though it was on a Sunday and I would miss church.

There was quite a large crowd of press and media people already present when I arrived and I was busy greeting friends when we were suddenly surrounded by a blue pulsing light and a humming sound. An open doorway faced us. Next thing I knew we were sitting in a beautifully landscaped garden with a waterfall and an attractive angel was handing out press kits.

The kits contained a folder with God’s biography, a book called “The Lord Almighty For Dummies”, His retirement announcement, a pair of Oakley sunglasses and a white baseball cap with “I met God” in front and www.God.com on the back. “Please put on your sunglasses. The Lord will be with you shortly” said the angel.

The Almighty appeared without any fanfare or fuss and sat down on a cloud in front of us. He was dressed casually in faded blue Levi’s and wearing a cap with the words “Boss.” Apart from exuding a brilliant white aura He looked just like an ordinary dude with a white beard, His hair tied up in a pony tail.

“You have read the announcement. God cannot be seen by human eyes but He is appearing in front of you as a hologram. He will now answer any questions that you may have. You do not have to speak, just think” said the angel.

Almost immediately God looked at one of my colleague and said “Yes, Deepak. It’s no hoax. Humanity has been asking Me to leave them alone for aeons so I’m just obliging them”.

He turned to another colleague “Not to worry, Eddy. The stock market will dip for a while but it will stabilize shortly once people get used to the idea of not having Me around.”. “Not to worry, Richard” he said addressing yet another friend “the price of beer and cigarettes will not go up”

Then he looked directly at me and said “Dave, you should be ashamed of yourself, fantasizing about Christine like that” Christine from Hot French Fry magazine shot me a dirty look as I turned beetroot red. “Besides,” he continued “She likes girls.” Now it was poor Christine’s turn to blush a crimson red.

Good Lord! He really does know everything!

I composed my thoughts and asked Him how Mankind would survive without Him. “Well, they should have thought of that before they pissed me off” He said. Being the kind and merciful God that He is, He continued “everything you need is in the bible. Study it”

Just then we heard a familiar ‘teet teet’ sound. “Excuse me” said God as he whipped out his Nokia N95 from his back pocket. He sighed and said “Isn’t it ironic? I’m the original “upstairs” and the original “sanctuary” but I keep getting spam text messages from these entertainment outlets”. He looked at me, nodded and continued “Yes, Dave. Backyard Pub too”

So without any further ado, here’s my report on this sad development…

Sunday, March 29 2009, Lower Heaven – A press conference held today in Lower Heaven advised that God has announced His retirement. The Lord Almighty’s unexpected announcement sent shockwaves across the cosmos.

Sources close to the Lord indicate that no replacements have been announced. However, White House sources who have asked to remain anonymous indicate that the top name on President Obama’s God nomination list is Oprah Winfrey, his longtime friend and staunch supporter.

News of the President’s proposal has drawn harsh criticism worldwide from political and legal critics who note that the American Constitution makes no provision for the President to appoint God. The White House has refused official comment on the subject.

Representatives from many countries around the world have claimed that it is their divine right to nominate God’s replacement, with Israel making the strongest demands as God’s chosen people and the United Arab Emirates claiming it is their divine right to choose the next God failing which there will be an increase in suicide bombings and terrorist activity.

Meanwhile in Malaysia, Prime Minister Dato’ Seri Najib Tun Razak issued a statement that his government required time to study the full impact of this development from an Islamic viewpoint before making a decision on behalf of the rakyat. Furthermore, Rosmah is not around for consultation. She is overseas shopping, said the newly appointed PM.

Opposition Leader and PKR Defacto Chief Anwar Ibrahim called a press conference to announce that any God chosen by UNMO would only look after UMNO interests. “We need a God for all Malaysians” he thundered. “Only PKR can give you that”.

Senior statesman Tun Dr Mahathir’s view on the subject was short and sweet. The post on his blog said “I told you so. We need a God that can kick ass. I nominate Hang Tuah”

MIC President-for-Life and afterlife and for ever more S Samy Vellu declared that he would volunteer his time and energy for the post of God as he now had plenty of free time. Of course the needs of my family…err…I mean the Indian community will take priority, he said with a straight face.

DAP Chairman and opposition stalwart Member of Parliament Karpal Singh said he would petition Heaven for a copy of the Divine constitution to study if God could legally resign. “I intend to sue Him if His action is unconstitutional” said Karpal.

The reason for God’s retirement was originally unknown. My sources indicate that God has been in excellent health, works 24-hour days in a variety of time zones and also oversees life on numerous worlds yet unknown to us. Despite all this, God feels that He has been downsized and is largely ignored nowadays.

In a statement released to the press last Sunday, God said, “I might as well enjoy the rest of eternity. Nobody listens to Me anymore. Maybe in a few years I’ll get on Oprah and then start my own talk show and people will start listening to me again. If that dancing monkey Ellen DeGeneres and that wuss Chef Wan can do it, why not me? Or, hell, maybe I’ll just run for President of the United States. That would definitely get everyone’s attention globally.”

God’s career began millions of years ago with the creation of Earth. Throughout His impressive career, God has saved millions of lives, spoken to man on numerous occasions (some confirmed and some unconfirmed), and performed uncounted awesome miracles.

Although God’s work has been supremely impressive many have criticized him, blaming him for everything including the economic downturn, poverty, violence, famine, and natural disasters. God has chosen to remain silent in the face of these accusations.

God is single and is the father of one son. We wish He will change his mind as we will miss Him terribly. We wish Him all the best in His future undertakings.