Monday, March 30, 2009

GOD ANNOUNCES SHOCK RETIREMENT

As an Editor, I’m used to receiving unusual and gimmicky press releases as PR agencies try to be creative and original in attracting our attention. Therefore when an email popped into my inbox purportedly from “www.god.com” I didn’t bat an eye.

It said to gather at the Lake Gardens Gazebo at 9:00am on Sunday and we would be beamed up to Heaven for a very important announcement. It also said cameras and recording equipment were not allowed. Curiosity got the better of me and I decided to attend, even though it was on a Sunday and I would miss church.


There was quite a large crowd of press and media people already present when I arrived and I was busy greeting friends when we were suddenly surrounded by a blue pulsing light and a humming sound. An open doorway faced us. Next thing I knew we were sitting in a beautifully landscaped garden with a waterfall and an attractive angel was handing out press kits.

The kits contained a folder with God’s biography, a book called “The Lord Almighty For Dummies”, His retirement announcement, a pair of Oakley sunglasses and a white baseball cap with “I met God” in front and www.God.com on the back. “Please put on your sunglasses. The Lord will be with you shortly” said the angel.


The Almighty appeared without any fanfare or fuss and sat down on a cloud in front of us. He was dressed casually in faded blue Levi’s and wearing a cap with the words “Boss.” Apart from exuding a brilliant white aura He looked just like an ordinary dude with a white beard, His hair tied up in a pony tail.


“You have read the announcement. God cannot be seen by human eyes but He is appearing in front of you as a hologram. He will now answer any questions that you may have. You do not have to speak, just think” said the angel.

Almost immediately God looked at one of my colleague and said “Yes, Deepak. It’s no hoax. Humanity has been asking Me to leave them alone for aeons so I’m just obliging them”.


He turned to another colleague “Not to worry, Eddy. The stock market will dip for a while but it will stabilize shortly once people get used to the idea of not having Me around.”. “Not to worry, Richard” he said addressing yet another friend “the price of beer and cigarettes will not go up”


Then he looked directly at me and said “Dave, you should be ashamed of yourself, fantasizing about Christine like that” Christine from Hot French Fry magazine shot me a dirty look as I turned beetroot red. “Besides,” he continued “She likes girls.” Now it was poor Christine’s turn to blush a crimson red.

Good Lord! He really does know everything!


I composed my thoughts and asked Him how Mankind would survive without Him. “Well, they should have thought of that before they pissed me off” He said. Being the kind and merciful God that He is, He continued “everything you need is in the bible. Study it”

Just then we heard a familiar ‘teet teet’ sound. “Excuse me” said God as he whipped out his Nokia N95 from his back pocket. He sighed and said “Isn’t it ironic? I’m the original “upstairs” and the original “sanctuary” but I keep getting spam text messages from these entertainment outlets”. He looked at me, nodded and continued “Yes, Dave. Backyard Pub too”


So without any further ado, here’s my report on this sad development…


Sunday, March 29 2009, Lower Heaven – A press conference held today in Lower Heaven advised that God has announced His retirement. The Lord Almighty’s unexpected announcement sent shockwaves across the cosmos.

Sources close to the Lord indicate that no replacements have been announced. However, White House sources who have asked to remain anonymous indicate that the top name on President Obama’s God nomination list is Oprah Winfrey, his longtime friend and staunch supporter.


News of the President’s proposal has drawn harsh criticism worldwide from political and legal critics who note that the American Constitution makes no provision for the President to appoint God. The White House has refused official comment on the subject.


Representatives from many countries around the world have claimed that it is their divine right to nominate God’s replacement, with Israel making the strongest demands as God’s chosen people and the United Arab Emirates claiming it is their divine right to choose the next God failing which there will be an increase in suicide bombings and terrorist activity.

Meanwhile in Malaysia, Prime Minister Dato’ Seri Najib Tun Razak issued a statement that his government required time to study the full impact of this development from an Islamic viewpoint before making a decision on behalf of the rakyat. Furthermore, Rosmah is not around for consultation. She is overseas shopping, said the newly appointed PM.


Opposition Leader and PKR Defacto Chief Anwar Ibrahim called a press conference to announce that any God chosen by UNMO would only look after UMNO interests. “We need a God for all Malaysians” he thundered. “Only PKR can give you that”.


Senior statesman Tun Dr Mahathir’s view on the subject was short and sweet. The post on his blog said “I told you so. We need a God that can kick ass. I nominate Hang Tuah”


MIC President-for-Life and afterlife and for ever more S Samy Vellu declared that he would volunteer his time and energy for the post of God as he now had plenty of free time. Of course the needs of my family…err…I mean the Indian community will take priority, he said with a straight face.


DAP Chairman and opposition stalwart Member of Parliament Karpal Singh said he would petition Heaven for a copy of the Divine constitution to study if God could legally resign. “I intend to sue Him if His action is unconstitutional” said Karpal.

The reason for God’s retirement was originally unknown. My sources indicate that God has been in excellent health, works 24-hour days in a variety of time zones and also oversees life on numerous worlds yet unknown to us. Despite all this, God feels that He has been downsized and is largely ignored nowadays.


In a statement released to the press last Sunday, God said, “I might as well enjoy the rest of eternity. Nobody listens to Me anymore. Maybe in a few years I’ll get on Oprah and then start my own talk show and people will start listening to me again. If that dancing monkey Ellen DeGeneres and that wuss Chef Wan can do it, why not me? Or, hell, maybe I’ll just run for President of the United States. That would definitely get everyone’s attention globally.”


God’s career began millions of years ago with the creation of Earth. Throughout His impressive career, God has saved millions of lives, spoken to man on numerous occasions (some confirmed and some unconfirmed), and performed uncounted awesome miracles.

Although God’s work has been supremely impressive many have criticized him, blaming him for everything including the economic downturn, poverty, violence, famine, and natural disasters. God has chosen to remain silent in the face of these accusations.


God is single and is the father of one son. We wish He will change his mind as we will miss Him terribly. We wish Him all the best in His future undertakings.


Saturday, March 28, 2009

Live Band Hyperzone at Uncle Chilis

images by kind courtesy of PJ Hilton.

Boy, were we glad that we took up the kind invitation from PJ Hilton to attend the launch of HYPERZONE, the talented and power packed 8-piece Filipino band performing for the first time in Uncle Chilli's, for we had a really great time.
Formed in 2005, the band performed a wide repertoire of music, including jazz, pop, rock, ballads, R&B, evergreen, retro and Top 40's numbers.
The night will also saw the introduction of their new F&B blog www.ZestPJ.com. Zest! is all about adding flavours to life, the pleasure of having a good time and the continual feeling of excitement.

Much like their restaurants and bars, each has its own personality and unique dining experience. At Zest!, you get the latest on what's sizzling, what's hip, what's brewing and what's flaring. To surf, click on the link on the right.

Without further ado, we’ll let the pictures do the talking for us.
Food is not the only delicious item on the menu at the PJ Hilton
Photojournalist Ms Veronica Ng, PJ Hilton Asst Marketing & Communications Manager Ms Elaine Chiew and the Spanker playing "Spot The Chef's Hat" on the Zest! website
PJ Hilton Executive Chef Christian Bruhns saying hello to his old friend the Spanker

Mee Poh

Images by Veronica Ng

camera kindly loaned by Patrick Lim


Found this fabulous tasting mee poh shop when Veronica and Patrick Lien took us for makan there after church one day. We quickly arranged for a review and turned up not too long after with Patrick Lim, his missus Bee Ling and daughter Sydney in tow.

The Mee Poh looks similar to Cho Meen, the broad flat noodles but restaurant owner Ah Leong assures us that it is his own invention and he has it tailor made for his food business. You’ll get it right if you picture a slimmer version of the Italian linguine.


It is served kon loh style i.e. tossed with Ah Leong’s secret blend of home-made light soy sauce and served topped with sliced mushrooms and shredded chicken breast, with a side dish of tender baby lettuce leaves in soup. Pickled green chillies complete the meal.

Ah Leong whipping up a bowl of Mee Poh


Ching Khow Wei restaurant also serves many other noodle dishes and a selection of yummy ice blended drinks but our personal favourite are the Mee Poh and the Moroccan Ice Blended.


Take note that although Pork is not served, the noodle dish is not kosher (not halal) as a small amount of oil is used in the soy dressing.

Ching Khow Wei is located in the block opposite the Bandar Puchong Jaya Police Station.


No 10 Jalan Kenari 11

Bandar Puchong Jaya

47100 Puchong

Selangor

Tel: +60123860039


More McPictures

My picture on the McDonalds launch last week prompted reader Stefani from Paris, France to send me this one, taken while she was on holiday in Turkey. Thanks, Stefani.

England Dan Bites The Bullet

Sad news for pop singer turned country star Daniel Wayland Seals fans. The 61 year old Texas-born, CMA-award-winning singer who piled up 11 No. 1 songs between 1985 and 1990, passed away Wednesday March 25th 2009 after a battle with mantle cell lymphoma.


Initially known to pop fans as the "England Dan" half of England Dan and John Ford Coley, who had a No. 2 single in 1976 with the soft-rocking classic "I'd Really Love to See You Tonight," he went on to forge an impressive solo career in Nashville.


Seals' childhood nickname was "England Dan" because he was a fan of The Beatles, and occasionally affected an English accent. John Colley's last name was shortened to "Coley" for ease of pronunciation; "Ford" was added as his middle name for flow purposes, thus England Dan and John Ford Coley.

Over 16 studio albums, the gentle, bearded crooner in the ten-gallon hat produced some 20 hits, including "Bop," the duet "Meet Me In Montana" with Marie Osmond," "Everything That Glitters (Is Not Gold)" and "You Still Move Me."


Music clearly runs in the family: Older brother Jim was in Seals & Crofts and several cousins are well-known country singers and songwriters. Seals' final studio album, Make It Home, was released in 2002.


Seals contracted lymphoma two years ago. He was married to Andrea "Andi" Gilbert Seals, has four children and seven grandchildren. He died at the Nashville home of his daughter. The funeral will take place Saturday at the Baha'i Center in Nashville.


You can write your messages of condolence to his family at dansealsfanpage.com.


Tuesday, March 17, 2009

McDonalds Malaysia’s’ Big Mac stimulus package.

I just attended the launch party for McDonalds Malaysia’s Big Mac stimulus package. I’m confused. They said it was two pieces of tender succulent meat and secret special sauce in between two fluffy buns. Where? Where?

Politics is for Politicans. Or is it?

We live in a world of opposites. Good versus evil; fat versus thin; indie versus commercial; Arsenal versus Spurs. It's a polarized world: either you're with us or you're against us. There are no in-betweens and no flexibility. You have to be one or the other.

You might think that this is an artifact of the modern, digital, binary world. You'd be wrong, though. Look at the English Civil War: Roundheads versus Cavaliers. Look at the Crusades: Christians versus infidels.

Go back as far into history as you like, as far back as myth and legend, even, and there's always a popular image of us-versus-them. Some people have even used this to argue that brains are themselves wired in binary; but that might be going a bit too far. It's pretty clear, though, that polarization is natural.

At the moment, nothing is quite as polarized as politics. Well, I say "at the moment"; it's probably always been that way. At least there are currently a few countries where you won't get killed just because you think the Dear Leader gets things wrong occasionally.
You might have politicians swarming to denounce, discredit and generally insult you, but you won't get killed. Probably. Unlike most places for most of human history, where a career in politics was usually a quick shortcut to an early grave, often chased there by mobs with flaming torches. Flaming torches are traditional when you're in a mob. Don't ask me why.

As I was saying, politics is, and always has been, a game of two sides. In the ancient world, there was Athens-imperialist versus Sparta-communist, after a fashion. The French Revolution had its left- and right-wing politics - in fact, that's where the terms "left-wing" and "right-wing" originate, fact fans. In the 1930s it was fascist-against-communist, and now the USA has conservatives-versus-liberals and Britain has the right against the far right. Which means the same bloody thing.

The term "liberal" is very confusing, incidentally, because it means very different things either side of the Atlantic. In America, people seem to think it means someone who wants to nationalize the business world, set the basic tax rate to 100% and force all parents to hand their children over to be brought up in government communes (just like the Spartans did).

They then use it to describe people who express shocking beliefs like "it might actually be OK to keep taxes the same instead of dropping them" or "Jesus didn't speak English". In Britain, on the other hand, "liberal" usually means someone who has a beard, likes to drink real ale and wears socks with sandals, and who spends hours supporting a political party who never actually make it all the way. In many ways, this is a good description of my sex life.
I'd like to share, though, a radical new idea. Because the real division in politics isn't between the left and the right, or between the donkey and the elephant. It's between those who know they are right and those who are a bit doubtful.

Think about it. In every election, who are the most important voters? The party members who would put a cross against any name so long as they wear the right rosette? Of course not - everyone knows their votes are in the bag. The important voters are the floaters. The undecided. The people who say "well, I like their tax policy but I'm not really sure that shooting all illegal immigrants on sight is a good idea." Those are the voters with power.

Think about it some more. Where do you see the poorest arguments? The flimsiest justifications for things? With people who are already sure that they're right. Being able to spot their lunatic arguments is a good skill. Our tireless researchers went out and asked these people what they thought about the Israeli settlements on the West Bank. Which of these people would you trust the most when it comes to rational decision-making?

1) "Doesn't it say in the Bible that that's the Promised Land? And I quess Americans are God's people now. So those settlements are ours, dammit!"
2) "Um... well, there was the Holocaust, and the Russian pogroms, and I guess a lot of right-wing Israelis feel it should be their land. But if there are people already living there, you can't just kick them out. And there are international laws about this sort of stuff. But equally you can't just kick the settlers out if they've, like, err…settled. I guess there's no easy answer to it."

3) "The land must be given to the Jews! It is a vital part of the End Times, so that the Lord Jesus can return in glory, bedecked in heavenly raiment!"

I think you can see my point.

Everywhere you look, the evil people are the ones who are deadly sure they are doing the right thing. Example One: Mel Gibson, and that horrible S&M film he made about some chap who thought he was God. Mel - whose father, let's remember, is a noted anti-Semite who claims the Holocaust didn't happen - had a phase of going round interviews telling everyone who would listen that his leading man had been struck by lightning. Twice.

So obviously he must be doing the right thing. I might have to fill in the blanks in that argument for you. Something both dangerous and unlikely happened. But it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Therefore, it must have been an attack from Satan. And as Satan is bad, Mel (and his actor) must be good! It's a masterpiece of I-already-know-I'm-right thinking.
Clearly Mel has forgotten about the Bible story where God tells Satan to go down to Earth and make someone's life a misery, because they were getting a little too full of themselves. Incidentally, the film is clear evidence that Satan doesn't exist - if he did, he'd have sued by now over his unauthorized (and entirely non-Biblical) appearance. That would be fun to see, if only to find out if he really does look like Al Pacino when in court.

Example Two: Osama bin Laden. Yes, yes, I know it looks a bit odd putting him up there next to Mel Gibson as an example of evil. But, let's face it; they both love apocalyptic movies demonstrating how the ungodly will burn. The main difference is that Bin Laden does it in real life; that way he can get CNN to pay for the filming.

His philosophy is a bizarre mix of his favorite Koran passages filtered through Isaac Asimov novels. There's a lot of the Koran that he ignores, though. Appearing on the telly, for example, is an extremely un-Islamic thing to do, which is why you never saw any pictures of the Taliban leaders. Clearly it's no problem for Osama. He also seems to approve of suicide; again, it's strictly against the rules he claims to follow. It seems to me that he's a prime example of someone who decides they're right first and makes up the reasoning after.

The main problem we have here is that virtually all known politicians and all known religious leaders (except the Archbishop of Canterbury) clearly fall into the Evil camp. Which isn't really a surprise, because politicians only ever seem to do it so they can tell everyone else what they think they should be doing. Except George W. Bush, who only became President because he thought it would be the best way to get into the job he was really aiming for: head of Major League Baseball. "God, help us!" I hear you cry. "However can we escape from this awful situation?"
Well, I have a solution. At least, I think I so. I'm not very sure about it. (See, you were starting to think I was evil for a minute there, weren’t you?) We need to start our own political party, dedicated to and for people who aren't entirely sure about everything. It'll be easy to get started, because a lot of people who are active in politics aren't that loyal to their banner, and will be happy to jump on a new bandwagon if it looks like it might be a winner.

Once we've appeared, we'll scoop up all the floating voters - they're our natural constituency. And, once we start to get noticed, it'll just snowball. For one thing, people will soon realize that the natural state of politics isn't left-versus-right, it's people who think they're right against everyone else - and the only people representing the Everyone Else side will be us!

Except the British, where the Liberals might be a nuisance. I suggest we distract them with pints of real ale and free BBC subscriptions. Secondly, as we'll actually have to think about and discuss all our decisions, it will soon become obvious that we're bound to do better than people who are always sure that everything they do is right.

All we have to do is raise up our banner in the name of vagueness and victory is inevitable. I think. We will (probably) be proud to march under slogans such as "We don't have easy answers" and "Politics is for Politians!" We think, therefore we think we are. In ten years' time, we might be running the world! Who's with me?

Oh come on, make your bloody minds up already!

How To Deal With The Cops

The Red Book pamphlet was launched by the Bar Council on Feb 16 2009 as part of its community projects initiative. For some reason they felt the Spanker needed a copy and graciously sent me one. For the rest of the 25 million or so Malaysians who did not receive a copy, here is a peek at some of the issues dealt with in the Red Book.


If you happen to be walking around in town and are suddenly stopped by a plainclothes gentleman who asks for your identity card, you may proceed to courteously ask him to produce his authority card, which comes in vibrant colours – blue, yellow or white.

If the gentleman produces a red card, you need not cry “foul” and stare daggers at the referee. Simply know that the gentleman in question is a suspended police officer who currently does not have authority. So, politely decline his request and go on your way.


However, if a police officer with a valid authority card stops you and begins to question you, you need not blurt out the entire story of your life either. You should instead just give your name, identity card number and address; and if you haven’t been handcuffed and taken to the police station, it would be a good idea to politely ask if you are under arrest.


If the police officer says no, you can refuse to follow the officer to the police station or any other place. You may then walk away. If the officer pulls out his gun or baton, you are advised not to emulate Jet Li and attempt to disarm the officer. At this point, it would be obvious that you are under arrest and as such you should cooperate with the police.

Bear in mind that if you are arrested, the first thing to do is ask why you have been arrested. An arrest is unlawful if you are not informed of the reason for the arrest. Also, the arresting officer must immediately take you to the nearest police station after the arrest. That means that he cannot leave you in the police car while he has a roti canai and teh tarik with his mates.


If you have been watching television, you would already know that once you have been arrested, you are entitled to a telephone call. In Malaysia, you are generously allowed two calls. Although it may seem like a good idea at the time, you should resist the urge to call Pizza Hut Delivery but instead call a relative or a friend and a lawyer. Under no circumstances should you call the Spanker from the Police Station. Ever.

Calling your lawyer is important because he would be able to prevent abuse of police powers and ensure that your rights are not infringed on while in police custody. However, the police can deny you access to a lawyer if there is likelihood that such access may result in another crime or cause danger to others.


Some pertinent information:

> The police cannot arrest you just because you are a potential witness and they want to take a statement from you (this is known as a section 112 statement).


> You have the right to be accompanied by a lawyer when you give a section 112 statement and you may refuse to answer a question if is likely to expose you to a criminal offence.

> If you are arrested, you can be detained for up to 24 hours at a police station or lock-up, pending investigation.


> If the police cannot complete investigations within 24 hours, you may be brought before a magistrate who may issue a remand order to extend your detention.


> Generally, the police cannot conduct a body search without arresting you.

> When a body search without arrest is conducted, do not allow the officer to put his hands into your clothes or pockets; and if you are female, the body search can only be done by a female officer; and if you are forced/threatened to strip, you must protest, remember the officer’s name and lodge a police report after the incident.


> When you are questioned by the police after arrest, you have the right to remain silent and if you do, simply say “I would like to exercise my right to silence”.


The Red Book can be downloaded at this link:

http://www.malaysianbar.org.my/content/view/2841/2/


Here’s the whole shebang if you can’t be bothered to surf there:

THE POLICE AND YOUR BASIC RIGHTS


1. IF THE POLICE STOP YOU

1.1 Not in uniform, ask for identification

Say: “Please, show me your Police authority card”.

1.2 Police authority card

Red : Suspended Police Officer. He has no authority to do anything

to you. Walk away.


Other colours:

• Blue : Rank of Inspector and above

• Yellow: Below the rank of Inspector

• White : Reserve police

Note his name and ID number

1.3 In uniform

Note his name and ID number on his uniform.

1.4 Police vehicle

Note the number plate of the patrol car or motorcycle.

2. POLICE QUESTION YOU WHEN STOPPED

2.1 Your identification

Only give your name, ID card number and address.

2.2 The police ask other questions

Politely ask “Am I under arrest?”

2.3 When you are under arrest

You are arrested if the police:

• tell you “yes”;

• do not allow you to leave/want to take you to the Police Station; or

• handcuff you

if you are not under arrest, you may walk away/refuse to follow him back to the Police station or anywhere else, if asked.

2.4 When you cannot be arrested

The police cannot arrest you just because you are a potential witness and want to take a statement from you (112/Witness Statement).

3. QUESTIONING BY POLICE WITHOUT ARREST

3.1 112/Witness Statement

When the police are investigating a case and think you have information/knowledge about the case, the police may examine you and take down your answers (112/Witness Statement).

3.2 Informal/Formal Request

Most times, the police make an informal request that you give a 112/ Witness Statement. If the place and time is convenient to you, cooperate. If not, tell the police you will do so at a convenient place

If you completely refuse to cooperate, the police can issue a formal

order in writing, signed by an investigating officer (Police Officer) to

ask you to cooperate.

If you disobey a Police Order, you cannot be arrested. However, it is an offence and the police may request the Magistrate to issue a warrant against you to compel you to cooperate.

3.3 Giving a 112/Witness Statement

You have the right to ask a lawyer to accompany you. This is advisable.

In giving a 112/Witness Statement, you may refuse to answer any question / remain silent if the answer is likely to expose you to a criminal offence.

• Bring along a notebook or writing paper with you (Personal Notes).

• Write down every question asked in your Personal Notes.

• Make sure you understand every question asked.

• Take your time and think carefully before writing your answers in

your Personal Notes.

• Read your answers to the Police Officer questioning you.

• Keep your Personal Notes for future reference.

3.4 Signing your 112/Witness Statement

Before signing your statement, read the questions and your answers

written by the Police Officer carefully.

• Compare the statement you are asked to sign with your Personal Notes.

• You have the right to make any corrections/changes to the statement before signing.

• Sign your signature immediately below the last sentence of your statement.

4. POLICE ARREST YOU

4.1 Ask: “Why am I under arrest?”

An arrest is unlawful if you are not informed of the reason.

4.2 Do not resist an arrest

The Police have the right to use reasonable force to arrest you if you resist.

4.3 Ask: “Which Police station are you taking me to?”

The arresting Police Officer must immediately take you to the nearest Police station and no other place.

4.4 What to do when arrested

You have the right to telephone call to :-

1. Relatives;

2. Lawyer

You may also call a nearby Legal Aid Centre. Inform them:

• you have been arrested;

• the time, place and reason of the arrest;

• the Police station you will be taken to

4.5 What happens after arrest

You may be detained up to 24 hours:

• at the Police station, or

• in a lock-up to “assist” police investigation.

5. YOUR RIGHTS AFTER ARREST & DURING DETENTION

5.1 Right to consult a lawyer

Once you request for the presence of a lawyer, you have a right to consult the lawyer at the Police Station. The Police must accord you a reasonable period of time for the lawyer to meet you and for consultation to take place. The Police can, however, deny you this right, if the delay in questioning you may cause the occurrence of another crime or cause danger to others.

5.2 Clothing

You are allowed to have one set of clothing on you in the lock-up.

5.3 Personal belongings

The police must record and put all your personal belongings in safe custody.

Your personal belongings must be returned to you upon your release.

5.4 Welfare

You are allowed to take a bath two times a day.

If you are sick, you have the right to receive immediate medical attention.

You are to be given proper and adequate food and water during detention.

5.5 How long can the Police detain you

The police can only detain you up to 24 hours for investigation.

The duty of the police is to complete investigation within 24 hours and to release you as soon as possible. If the police cannot complete investigation within 24 hours, the police must bring you before a Magistrate far a remand order to extend your detention beyond 24 hours (“Remand Order”).

6. REMAND ORDER BY MAGISTRATE AFTER ARREST

6.1 Who is a Magistrate

A Magistrate is a judicial officer. He/She has power to make a Remand Order to detain you for more than 24 hours.

6.2 Purpose of Remand Order

It is to give more time to the Police to complete their investigation and decide whether there is evidence to charge you for an offence.

The Police cannot ask for a Remand Order only for the purpose of taking a statement from you.

6.3 How long is a Remand Order

When the Police bring you before a Magistrate for a Remand Order, the Police must give reasons to the Magistrate why it is necessary to detain you beyond 24 hours.

The Magistrate’s duty is to consider carefully the reasons given by the Police.

The Magistrate may order a Remand detention of between 4 to 7 days. The Police may return at the expiration of this time period and apply for a 2nd Remand Order. For this 2nd Order, the Magistrate may extend the

detention for another 3 to 7 days.

The Magistrate, after careful consideration of the reasons given by the

Police, has discretion:

• not to make a Remand Order; or

• make a Remand Order for a period shorter than that asked by the Police.

The Police can make more than one application for a Remand Order.

Altogether, you cannot be detained longer than 15 days.

6.4 What to say when you are brought before a Magistrate for remand

Tell the Magistrate:

• you want legal representation and to contact the LAC and your

family;

• you want medical treatment because you are sick or have been beaten;

• if the Police had threatened or beaten you during detention;

• if you had been denied proper food/water/clothing, toilet or necessary medical attention during your detention;

• whether the Police had carried out any investigation during your detention.

6.5 Ask for a shorter Remand Order from the Magistrate

Before the Magistrate makes the Remand Order, ask for a shorter remand period asked by the Police. Give reasons (Example: “I will cooperate with the Police in their investigation”, “I will be available” etc).

7. BODY SEARCH WITHOUT ARREST

7.1 When can this be done

If you are at a place (example: karaoke/clubs/entertainment outlets) where the Police are conducting a raid or looking for something (example: drugs), the Police may search your body/bags without arresting you.

This must be done in the presence of a Police Officer who is an inspector or of a higher rank.

7.2 What to do

• Do not allow the Police officer to put his hands into your pockets or bags.

• Take out your belongings one by one. Each time, say “Purse”, “keys”,

“ID card”, etc.

• When your pockets/bags are empty, turn your pockets/bags inside out.

7.3 Your rights

• A female can only be body searched by a female Police Officer.

• All body searches must be carried out with decency (Example: cannot touch your private parts).

• There is no law requiring you to strip naked.

8. BODY SEARCH UPON ARREST

8.1 When Police can do so

• The Police have power to search your body for any object relating to the suspected offence.

• The body search must be conducted in a confined place. It is your right to be bodily searched in private.

8.2 Type of Body search

The law allows the Police to conduct 4 types of body search :-

1. “pat down” search -act of searching outer clothing

2. Strip search -to search for concealed evidence, object, contraband or

weapon. Can only conducted with the authorization of an officer ranked Inspector and above

3. Intimate search -to search beyond the mouth, nose and ears. Can only

be conducted with the authorization of an officer ranked Assistant Superintendent (ASP) and above

4. Intrusive search - to determine the existence of objects etc in the body. Must be conducted by Government Medical Officer or Medical Officer. Can only be conducted with the authority of the Officer in charge of the Police District (OCPD)

If you are forced to strip naked/threatened if you do not strip naked:

• Protest

• Remember the Police Officer’s name.

• Lodge a report after the incident.

9. QUESTIONING BY POLICE AFTER ARREST

9.1 Identity of the Police Officer questioning you

Note the name/rank of the Police Officer questioning you.

9.2 Right to remain silent

The Police Officer will first make friendly conversation/talk (example: ask you about your family and friends etc). Be polite. Do not be afraid to remain silent. This is your right.

Other than giving your Personal Particulars, you have the right to remain silent.

If you choose the right to remain silent, say: “I will answer in Court”.

9.3 Written Statement by you during investigation

The Police Officer will ask you questions and then write down your answers. You are only obliged to give your full name, age, address and occupation (Personal Particulars).

9.4 The Police cannot threaten or force you into making statements.

If you have been threatened, beaten or forced, lodge a police report against the Police Officer at first opportunity. This is your right.

9.5 Written statement is not to be used as evidence

Any statement you make to the Police during investigation cannot be used as evidence. But you may use the statement to support your defense during Trial.

10. LEGAL AID CENTRES (LAC)

Kuala Lumpur : 03-2691 3005 / 03-2693 2072

• Selangor : 03-3372 2792

• Negeri Sembilan : 06-7633 035

• Melaka : 06-2845 519 / 06-2864 514

• Johor : 07-2235 698

• Perak : 05-2550 523

• Kedah & Perlis : 04-7333 467

• Kelantan : 04-7448 660

• Pahang : 09-5159 244 / 09-2969 410

• Pulau Pinang : 04-2617 451 / 04-3316 830


2012 The Movie

We are all going to die

It's coming!! The end of the world Hollywood style. How would the governments of our planet prepare six billion people for the end of the world? They wouldn't." That's the tagline for Hollywood's new Apocalypse movie, "2012." The movie, not yet released, appears to combine scientific theory with ancient prophecy:
2012 happens to be the year in which the Mayan calendar ends. Some believe that this is not a big deal. Others, most notably New Age theorists, believe that the Mayans were on to something, and that the date 12/21/12 will mark the end of mankind on this Earth.

Sony Pictures, which is producing the movie "2012," has skillfully (and I would say shamelessly) tapped into the hysteria, even creating a Web site for the fictional "Institute for Human Continuity," a nongovernmental organization that "proves" we will all die in 2012, and offers a "survival lottery": sign up for the movie's lotterv, and you're guaranteed a spot in a plush post-apocalyptic community.

Now, the relationship between Apocalypse and Hollywood is not new. "The Day the Earth Stood Still," "Armageddon" and every zombie movie ever made taps into our visceral fear as a species: that everything we take for granted can be easily swept away.

But I find "2012" an especially irritating premise because, in stating the fiction that an ancient Mayan numerological error is going to kill us all, it blinds us to the facts: namely, that global warming is going to kill us all.

After all, if we're so afraid of dying, we should really focus on the right culprit. That's why I'd like to share with you the words of James Lovelock, one of the scientists who helped discover the hole in the ozone layer: "Enjoy life while you can. Because if you're lucky it's going to be 20 years before it hits the fan."

You see, Lovelock believes that by 2040, climate change will kill almost all of us, leaving only somewhere between 500 million to a billion people alive. Although that's not as bad as the Institute for Human Continuity's prediction that 94 percent of all humans will be killed in 2012, it's still not a rosy picture.

The forecast becomes darker when Lovelock shares his opinion that there is absolutely nothing we can do to stop global warming at this point. We have to start planning for catastrophe.
Now that I've completely depressed you, I'd like to mention that not everyone agrees completely with James Lovelock. While it is now beyond the realm of debate that global warming is occurring, it's more difficult to see into the future and judge its effects.

But take a second to internalize what I'm saying: Global warming poses an existential threat to the human species. Swirl that statement around in your soul. It's disquieting. And hopefully you are rendered more uncomfortable, not less, when I point out that the highest casualty figures will come from developing countries, those that don't have the infrastructure or funds to organize a successful nationwide warning-and-evacuation system.

I don't agree with Lovelock; I don't think global warming is going to kill us all. But then again, I'm a Hospitality Industry major: I'm not an expert in scientific phenomena. But I do know a little bit about people: I know that, when we watch any Apocalypse movie, we root for the protagonists to stay alive.

We want humankind to make it; we want to survive. This is true no matter what philosophy we may hold dear - religious or agnostic, fatalist or optimist, we all believe in our hearts that humankind should exist, that we belong here on this Earth.

I don't have any recommendations for how to avert ancient Mayan prophecy, so I am not going to worry too much about 2012. But when it comes to global warming, there's still so much we can do. From recycling used goods and reducing energy consumption, to advocating for institutional change at the local or even federal level, to researching new environment-friendly technologies...

This is not a blog about how we should reduce the effects of global warming. It's a post about why we should reduce the effects of global warming. Because Apocalypse movies all start with the beginning of The End. They hardly ever show you what comes before, about the chances that people had to avert catastrophe and create a different future.

We are a generation of people with the chance to avert catastrophe. Let's create a different future, and leave Apocalypse for the movie screens.
Director Roland Emmerich really, really hates the planet Earth and wants to destroy it over and over again (”Independence Day”, “The Day After Tomorrow”). Why? Sources tell me because once upon a time, when Roland was very young, Planet Earth kicked his dog, threw his grandma out the window, and set his house on fire. Yeah, that’ll piss anyone off. Emmerich’s latest is “2012″, an end-of-the-world movie that he’s shopping the script around to potential buyers.

Let’s get one thing straight: no one really expected Roland Emmerich’s “2012″ to be an example of quality filmmaking, did they? I mean, come on, we’re talking about the guy behind “ID4″, “The Day After Tomorrow”, and “Godzilla” here. Dubious science, even by the low standards of movie technobabble, and outrageous stunts featuring people running away from massive fireballs are Roland Emmerich’s stock in trade.

Why, without them, we wouldn’t have crazily entertaining movies like “10,000 BC”! So someone has read the script for Emmerich’s “2012″, and it’s crap. Well duh. Isn’t all of Emmerich’s scripts kinda crappy? It’s what he does with it on the big screen that matters. I.e. explosions. Lots and lots of explosions.

Here is the basic gist of Latino Review’s review of Emmerich’s “2012″ script: The story blends the idea of the Mayan calendar, which predicts the world ending in 2012, with natural disasters such as volcanic eruptions, typhoons and glaciers plaguing the planet and a large cast of characters dealing with the mayhem.

Aside from the idea of the Arks there is really no aspect of this film that we haven’t already seen in dozens of other action, sci-fi, and disaster blockbusters. It is so steeped in predictability, ridiculousness, and cliché that it borders on self-parody. In the tradition of previous Emmerich blockbusters such as The Day After Tomorrow, the obligatory action and destruction scenes are particularly bad offenders in this regard, featuring characters impossibly running away from massive explosions, dust clouds, and bizarrely personified cracks in the earth.
The script barely even hints at the details or origins of any of the real theories about 2012, suggesting that the association is mainly here just to cash in on a trend. Instead, Emmerich and co-writers Harold Kloser and Matt Charman shoehorn in several brief but glaringly awkward attempts at political commentary and even what could be construed by some as a few baffling jabs at religion. And of course everything leads to an unbearably neat and happy ending, despite the fact that the film is about the vast majority of the world’s population being wiped out.

Heh, I have to admit, that last part was kind of funny. A happy ending for a disaster movie where most of the world’s population is killed. Only Roland Emmerich could come up with that one, kids. And he’s got $200 million to work with. Sigh…

Our first look at Master of Disaster Roland Emmerich’s new disaster film, “2012″, has arrived online. It’s a short teaser, just barely over a minute long, featuring what appears to be a monk racing up a long slope of mountains to a temple, and then looking out at — holy cow, an ocean towering over said mountains! (I’m guessing oceans aren’t supposed to get this high?)

The ocean wipes away the temple, while sub-titlse ask us what our governments would do in the face of an impending, world-ending natural disaster. It then answers itself: Nothing. Because, you know, governments suck and such. Anyways, enjoy the teaser.

I would like to refer you the following:
The Bible warns us not to trust in astrology.

Do not learn the ways of the nations or be terrified by signs in the sky, though the nations are terrified by them (Jeremiah 10:1-2).
No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father (Matthew 24:36).

In another online Bible study, I summarized God's warning in the Bible about astrology, the occult, mediums, divination and sorcery.

The main problem with these practices is that they cause us to look to other sources of "power," not to God himself. God created everyone alive. He loves us and wants a close personal relationship with us. When we get caught up with "spiritual" ideas, we often think we are seeing the bigger picture when in fact we miss God himself.

God is not simply a "force," an idea or a nebulous spirit. He is real, and his passionate love for you is real.

God communicated his message of love through Jesus. Jesus' message of love is very different from that of the many "New Age" religions and schools of thought.

Take note though that the Bible does predict cataclysmic future events.

God's Word, the Bible, tells us that someday Jesus will return to earth. Momentous things will happen around that time. We are encouraged to live lives worthy of God and to be ready for that day.

The sun will be turned to darkness and the moon to blood before the coming of the great and glorious day of the Lord (Acts 2:20).

But the day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything in it will be laid bare (2 Peter 3:10).

But the Bible also tells us that no one knows when that day will take place. That includes 12/12/12. Numerous people have claimed to know and have been proven wrong. It shouldn't be a surprise that they were wrong, because the Bible says no one knows.

December 21, 2012 is no more likely than any other day to be the day when Jesus returns or when anything else of significance happens.


Don't get sidetracked by 12. 21. 2012

Focus on what is really important, and don't worry. Dec. 21, 2012 will be a day like any other day.