Monday, July 19, 2010

IF NOAH LIVED IN MALAYSIA



The Lord came unto Noah in Malaysia, and said: the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see it fit to end it.


Build an Ark and save 2 of every living thing.


He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.


Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no Ark.


Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?


Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, 'but things have not been easy.

First I need to have a BUMIPUTRA PARTNER who is linked to UMNO then I needed a building permit from DBKL and I also have to pay under counter money to get the permit.






Then I've been arguing with the BOMBA inspector. He says I need a sprinkler system. I told him You will take care of it.

My neighbors complained to The Malay Mail about the height of the ark I was going to build and the next day it was in the headlines claiming that I've violated the neighborhood building by-laws that my Ark is exceeding the height limitations. I appealed to the magistrate and after several postponements it was approved.






The Opposition took advantage of the situation and said I was a government crony and did nasty things with my face and body on the Internet. I don’t know how they superimposed my face on a naked body with several naked female MP’s and posted it on YOUTUBE. Oh Lord you are all knowing and know that I did not take the photos with the MPs.


Then there was another stop work order even before I could start work. The Badan Pencegah Rasuah arrested me for pornography and irresponsible blogging, and interrogated me if RAJA PETRA KAMARUDDIN was influencing me







I talked to a lawyer who looks like Lingam, talks like him and acts like him but is not him. He said he knows the Chief Justice and the Prime Minister and can clear my name but I have to buy them and their families tickets and tour to Australia.


After clearing my name... I had to again go to the DBKL Appeal Board for a decision to allow me to build the Ark.

Then the government after approving the plans said I must use only SIRIM approved goods and must only buy from their list of CLASS F contractors which are 15 times more expensive than the local China man hardware shop.


Then the TNB and JPJ demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us but they said I was mad and would hear nothing of it.

Getting the timber was another problem. SUKHAM and the JABATAN HUTAN NEGARA said there is a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the orang utan. I tried to convince SUKHAM and JABATAN HUTAN NEGARA that it was the other way around and that I needed the wood to save the orang utan – but they said I was following the deviant teachings of Al Arqam and threatened to jail me.

When I started gathering the animals, JAKIM, WWF, SPCA and several Animal Rights groups picketed outside my house and sued me.


JAKIM said I cannot put the pigs next to other animals as it WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED HALAL and the animal rights group insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Another animal rights group accused me of illegal wildlife trafficking.



Then the JABATAN KERJA RAYA AND JABATAN KAJIAN dan GALIAN ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood, and asked me to submit 5 copies of a working paper in Bahasa Malaysia. The JABATAN KAJI CUACA said they did not issue You with a permit for any flood, and advised me to get You to apply for one immediately.


I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many Bumiputra contractors I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.


JABATAN IMIGRESEN and RELA are checking the status of most of the people who want to work on the ark.

The trade unions say I can not use my sons. They insisted I have to hire only union workers with at least 2 years Ark-building license and experience.

Each morning I can't find the front door of my workshop as the entire wall is covered with posters for easy loans, astro services, plumbing services, lorry services and tuition classes. I have to spend 2 hours clearing them off.

As I started to clear the area to build the ark, KARAM SINGH WALIA and the TV3 camera crew turned up and accused me of illegal sand mining. After I explained and they left, 6 gangsters came and demanded for RM8800 protection money. They said they controlled the area and offered easy loans, drugs and China dolls to my workers.


I complained to the POLIS. The next day the IGP sent an ASP who came in full uniform. Unfortunately he also happened to be one of the six gangsters who were demanding protection money and he doubled my protection fee for reporting them.


Then there was a sudden by election and I was forced to become an UMNO member to get my permits approved and made to pay a donation by the Barisan Candidate in the spirit of 1MALAYSIA and MUHIBBAH. His cronies said they will make my life difficult when I hesitated so I reluctantly paid up.

Then my daughter-in-law got cheated on facebook by a Nigerian conman pretending to be a handsome British man and I had to join MCA to get MICHEAL CHONG to help me.

Every department I turn to is asking for what they call “Duit Kopi”. Lord, these Malaysians must be huge consumers of coffee, therefore I don’t understand why they say Teh Tarik is their favourite drink.


Lord, I calculated that if I had to pay all the so called “Duit Kopi” and give the donations, the cost to build the ARK will be 20 times higher. So I refused to give them the “Duit Kopi” as I am faithfull to you Oh Lord.


Then some top level politicians who were very disappointed with me for not giving donations called me a murtad but I told them my name is Noah not murtad and they got more angry and threathened me with their connections.


Suddenly I became a suspect behind the murder of some Mongolian woman because the place where she was murdered happens to be on the land where I am going to build the Ark and I was arrested.

To make matters worse, the Jabatan HASIL seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. I have just been released from ISA.


So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take me at least 10 more years to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'My Lord, you mean you're not going to destroy the world?'


'No,' said the Lord.




'The Malaysian Government has beaten me to it'